Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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