I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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