I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize