I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
