Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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