After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
