come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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