2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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