Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
