Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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