If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
