Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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