Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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