omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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