I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
