I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize