Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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