Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I did not marry a roomba.
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