Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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