If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
