now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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