i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
