I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
