just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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