Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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