She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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