fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize