This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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