When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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