There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
