Just fell off a train. Bad.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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