They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
