Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize