Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
