I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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