Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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