I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
