remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just pee around me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
