If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Terrible idea I love it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize