So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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