I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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