even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
