Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i barfeds in our rink
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
