and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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