i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
