Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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