god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
