she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
