If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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