New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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