it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
