I wish i was in the wii world.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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