Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
