Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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