first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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