i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
