I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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