i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
